Hate my life!

What's life?
I have always tell myself that I have live the fullest out of it.
But am I?
I have started to question myself,
I have started to keep everything to myself once again.
I have seemed to have gone back to my usual self, the one that I can feel the peace most.
I have seemed to hate myself more.
I have hated myself so much that I don't want to know if there's another day for me.
The feeling of dying is getting more and more frequent.
Should I just end it like what I have nearly done before?

My life is always fast-paced but now it's even faster. Faster till I can't breathe, I just can't.
My heart muscle pull is getting frequent, so frequent that I'm scared but sometime I just felt that maybe it's all coming to the end.

I just don't know what's wrong with me.

Am I really facing problems?
Am I just getting tired?
Am I just feeling pressure from all areas?

Arrgggggggg, I hate it.

Preparing for the worse.

Got to save save save and not have much spending.
Don't know is it good or not.
Don't know if this is right.
Don't know what will happen.
Don't know if things goes right or wrong.
Don't know, really don't know.
Hope I don't hear arguements every year during P.

Unforgetable

Life is always so short.

Just as seeing him for four days in the referral centre, seeing his condition getting at least better and all of the sudden having seizure after the second visiting hours (7pm) when we are all homed, back to oxygen compartment and seizure again near midnight and that's it, all chapters of his story ended in just minutes after that seizure.

It's really disheartening to hear, see or even know about it, the moment the news is spoken to my ears, it's like the world collapse in front of me, sobbing with tears continuing dripping and I can't even control myself, bursting into cries. I don't even know how I managed to talk to the nurse over the phone, in my mind, I only wanted to see him again, hug him again, carry him once more and even sayang him.

I know it won't even have a chance to be revived but I really wish that would happen when I rushed down to see him once more. Seeing him lying there, my heart just pained, so pain that how I wished I would be able to share his burden or even give up some time of my life for him. At least, he won't be suffering or at least he can get to go back home or live a bit longer.

I just missed him so much.
He will always be my good and beloved ah boy, chu zhai, dong gan chao ren, batman.

Missing you.
Beloved by us.

p/s: Ah boy, you are always beloved by jie jie, quan quan, hua sheng, daddy and mummy. You will always be in our hearts. Love you.

Shonen Onmyoji 少年阴阳师 Opening Theme – Egao no Wake

Egao no Wake (笑顔の訳 The Meaning of Your Smile)



The Reasons for Smiling
Vocals: Hikita Kaori
Lyrics: Ito Yuko
Composition: Kajiura Yuki
Arrangement: HAL
Chorus Arrangement: Kajiura Yuki

When the wound within your locked-up memories
Touches your heart soundlessly
You’ll smile kindly; but behind it, there are tears of loneliness

Yearn for a boundless strength
And with those who you believe in, dash upwards many times

I want to protect, I want to believe, all of the reasons for smiling
Ferocity and love, too, I’ll accept everything
I won’t ever let go of your hand again, aiming for that light


Overlapping our chests that we sympathize with
In our thoughts that can forgive and share with each other
I keep praying words of an oath so that they won’t change

Yearn for a fearless heart, lift the dream that you believe in
And embrace me with both of your hands

I want to love, I want to feel, all of the reasons for smiling
Tell me as it as, even the shout of your heart
I won’t ever avert my eyes again
Igniting that light


Yearn for a boundless strength
And with those who you believe in, dash upwards many times

I want to protect, I want to believe, all of the reasons for smiling
Ferocity and love, too, I’ll accept everything
I want to love, I want to feel, all of the reasons for smiling
Tell me as it as, even the shout of your heart
I won’t ever let go of your hand again, aiming for that light


Egao no Wake
Vocals: Hikita Kaori

Tozasareta kioku no naka no kizu ga
Oto mo naku kokoro ni fureru toki ni
Yasashiku hohoemu sono ura ni wa kodoku no namida

Hateshinai tsuyosa motomete
Shinjiru mono-tachi to nando mo kakeagare

Mamoritai shinjitai egao no wake o subete
Hageshisa mo itoshisa mo zenbu uketomeru yo
Nido to sono te o hanasanai ano hikari o mezashite


Omoiyaru tagai no mune kasanete
Yurushiai wakachiaeru omoi ni
Kawaranu you ni inoritsuzukeru chikai no kotoba

Osorenai kokoro motomete shinjiru yume kakage
Ryoute ni dakishimete

Aishitai kanjitai egao no wake o subete
Ari no mama kikasete yo kokoro no sakebi sae
Nido to kono me o sorasanai
Ano hikari o tomoshite


Hateshinai tsuyosa motomete
Shinjiru mono-tachi to nando mo kakeagare

Mamoritai shinjitai egao no wake o subete
Hageshisa mo itoshisa mo zenbu uketomeru yo
Aishitai kanjitai egao no wake o subete
Ari no mama kikasete yo kokoro no sakebi sae
Nido to sono te o hanasanai ano hikari o mezashite


閉ざされた記憶の中の傷が
音もなく心に触れる時に
やさしく微笑むその裏には　孤独の涙

はてしない強さ求めて
信じるもの達と　何度も駆け上がれ

守りたい　信じたい　笑顔の訳をすべて
激しさも愛しさも　全部受け止めるよ
二度とその手を離さない　あの光りを目指して

思いやる互いの胸　重ねて
許しあい分かち合える想いに
変わらぬ様に祈り続ける誓いの言葉

怖れない心求めて　信じる夢掲げ
両手に抱きしめて

愛したい　感じたい　笑顔の訳を全て
ありのまま聞かせてよ　心の叫びさえ
二度とこの瞳をそらさない
あの光りを燈して

はてしない強さ求めて
信じるもの達と　何度も駆け上がれ

守りたい　信じたい　笑顔の訳をすべて
激しさも愛しさも　全部受け止めるよ
愛したい　感じたい　笑顔の訳を全て
ありのまま聞かせてよ　心の叫びさえ
二度とその手を離さない　あの光りを目指して

Complicated Feelings

Ever since 23rd, the days are often too emotional.
Mood changes very fast, latest news of Selina's health and reports on how the whole incident happened.
Feel sad and pain for her, can imagine her pain and it is definately worse than how i feel from my injury on my face during childhood.
Feel angry from those reports on the incident too, how can they allow this to happen.

Sigh, life is really full of ups and downs. Sometime, I really don't understand why life must be in this kind of arrangements.

Can't we just make something out of it?
Can't we just be happy everyday?
Can't we just not feel all unhappiness?
Can't we just ignore all downs?

Think the above will never be happening for a long time, never everlasting.

No downs, there won't be ups.
No unhappiness, there won't be happiness.
No sad, there won't be happy.

Without sadness, you won't be able to judge how happy you are.
Without unhappiness, you won't be able to feel the happiness around you.
Without downs, you won't work harder to gain your ups.

Sigh...